Winter in the Soul

It has been a long time, more than 3 years to be precise, since i basked in the dappled sunlight of the winter skies with the chilly morning winds rushing past me, making me feel my own insignificance in the embrace of nature.
I am but, a mere human being, awed by the glory of nature. On such mornings I would feel like a being that belonged to 2 worlds. One part of me wanted to leave the vestiges of my physical existence behind me and let my spirit soar with those freezing winds. I wanted to embrace the sunlight in such a way so that it would be from within me and not without. Yet, the other part of me wanted to stay as I was, for, how could one experience the grandeur of nature if one was part of it. The wind is never held spellbound by the purple sunset on the sea nor struck dumb by the sight of the rainbow after a fresh shower.
Even though I felt like this, these feelings were not conflicting, instead, they brought into my being a sense of balance and calm. I imagine this is what the state of nirvana would feel like; completely aware of my surroundings and yet merged into it, bound by the limitations of this body yet soaring like the winds, aware of my existence yet seeing a multitude of colours like I was watching creation in progress.
I was pulled out of this state by a far off twanging noise. As I opened my eyes, I realized that I was standing some way from my house, yet, the surroundings seem to reflect my inner state. So thick was the fog that I could barely see my house. All was covered by a white blanket, like it was sent down to smother the humdrum of everyday life, so that man may realize what heaven would be like. Or, perhaps, I was seeing the fog in a different light, due to the peace within me. There was that twanging noise again. I smiled to myself as I realized what that noise was. For a few moments I had glimpsed Moksha yet, here I was reminded of the rigours of living a human life, by the sound of the twang of the quilt weavers' tool.
The wind was still strong, the fog still thick as I started to walk back to my house. I realized that what I had seen or rather, felt was but a glimpse of the magnanimous nature, which, despite suffering what it has, still gifts mankind with glimpses of eden. I could have stayed and drunk in more of all nature had to offer, more intoxicating than anything i had ever had. But, like I said, i was a human being. So, I let nature take its course and I followed the one to mine.
Somewhere on this path, I must have taken a wrong turn,because, I had reached a new path. I knew not where I was going, but, I did not deter. Something told me to go on or maybe I was still spellbound by the experience I had.It seemed that morning nature had conspired against me to show what heaven is like and then throw me into the deepest dungeons of human despair so that I may not rise again. Gloom was beginning to get a hold on me, for, how could I have walked again into my mundane life knowing what I was leaving behind. It was like one of those good dreams you have from which you never want to wake up, but, when you do , life seems like a nightmare compared to it. As I began to fall into darkness I thought maybe this was nature's way of punishing man for what he had done to it. As I realized this, I smiled again, the smile of a sadist, as I realized that if this was the fate in store for mankind, better be the first into darkness so that the weight of all the others who fall in may smother your feelings and their darkness seep into my mind and dash all that a man may be hopeful for. I was ready for the plunge, ready to accept that I would never see myself walk int the light again, ready to be the guiding beacon for all of mankind, into doom. A world of darkness seem to rise up from within me and spread outwards.
I looked up, one last time, with hopes of seeing that last glimpse of the heaven which had cast me mercilessly into the omnipresent gloom of hell. As I raised my eyelids, I was blinded by a light. It shone with the brilliance of a thousand suns and seemed to fill every fiber of my being with renewed life. The curse of doom and darkness had been lifted and i was born again..........as she smiled.